Female masturbation isn't spoken about enough but I aim to change that. Getting better orgasms and experiencing a more fulfilling sex life starts with you. Exploring your own body and sensuality can help you discover what works for you sexually and in turn help you guide your partner so you both get the most out of sex together.
What can get in the way of you experiencing sexual pleasure?
The main obstacles to women experiencing full, deep, mind-blowing sexual pleasure is our minds. A lack of body confidence, a disconnect between our minds and our body's and a cultural history that has portrayed female masturbation and sexual enjoyment in general as some kind of taboo for women have all played into this. Sex was seen as 'for men' and women who enjoyed it were painted in a negative light.
Key to me really starting to explore and enjoy my own body was letting go of any shame. Shame of both the act itself and shame in relation to my own physical appearance. A great way to prepare for a self-pleasuring session is to:
- Put on some music - choose something that you enjoy and that relaxes you
- Taking a bubble bath surrounded by candles. The decadence of a bath can really help you unwind
- Have a nice glass of wine
- Get into a lingerie set that makes you feel sexy
Think of it like preparing for a date but in this case the date is with yourself.
Some common obstacles to female masturbation
Can't let go
For many women the biggest block to solo pleasure can be not being able to get out of your own head. Obtrusive negative thoughts enter the mind and mean your thoughts aren't on the moment but on a myriad of other issues. Some women can feel they are undeserving of pleasure and this can all be tied to low self esteem and poor emotional wellness.
The people pleaser
You are likely the kind of person that puts everyone else first and yourself at the back of queue when allocating your precious time. You lead a busy life and have many battling priorities. You don't always make time for self care and are the type of person that says yes to others more than you should.
Poor body image
Modern society has made us more critical of our bodies. Our bodies are amazing things but for many women the world around us has made us hyper critical of our own selves. For some this can develop into a deep feeling of self-loathing and our minds are consumed by it.
Identifying your blocks will help you overcome them and experience true sexual satisfaction.
So how can I overcome my blocks and get in the moment?
Think about how you see yourself, what you think about your life, how you feel about your body, and what your current relationship to pleasure is. The questions you need to ask yourself include
• Do I see myself as sexual by nature?
• How do I feel about pleasuring myself and giving pleasure to my partner?
• What's my relationship with my body like? How could I improve my relationship with my body, what would I like to change? Remember almost everyone has hangups about their body in some way.
Sharing any issues or hangups can really help. Yes it will probably feel daunting and as women we have become accustomed to not talking about it but sharing really can help. Maybe you have a close friend that you can confide in or maybe you'd prefer to chat online with someone. There are plenty of sex-positive places online that are safe spaces and they can really help.
Make time for it. Yes with our busy lives it can be difficult but part of self-care means making time for yourself. Try setting aside ten minutes each day at the same time that's just for you!
Set yourself a self-pleasure routine
Dress yourself in whatever clothing makes you feel most sensual. For some of you being naked is how you'll feel most comfortable, for others it'll be sexy lingerie or your favourite dress sans knickers. It is entirely up to you, you want to feel comfortable, relaxed and sensual. Set up your room:
• Add a vase of fresh flowers
• Surround yourself with candles and sex toys (if you want to use them)
• The feel of certain fabrics on your skin can also be sensual so lay on materials that feel great on your skin - silk, leather, lace etc.
Choose a location where you are most comfortable. This could be your bed, the bath, your sofa.....
Choose a sexy playlist to get you going. Start with trailing your fingers over your skin. Find out what feelings and touches work for you. The first time it may be that you don't even touch yourself sexually, it might take a few sessions until you feel comfortable enough.
When you're ready you can include genital stimulation. Experiment with varying pressure, location of your fingers and get to know yourself intimately. If you don't know what works for you, experiment until you do. Do you prefer using fingers only? Big vibrators? Small and compact? There's a variety of female masturbation aids available so the sky's the limit. Remember this should be fun, so the most important piece of advice I can give you is to enjoy yourself.